3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
