The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
