Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
