this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
