'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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