don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
