the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
