My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have aggressive nipples.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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