I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
