bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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