I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
