Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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