I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
