and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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