Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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