booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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