I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
