i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
