apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Need sex. Gaining weight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
