I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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