So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
