capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
