Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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