Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We smell like vodka and hangover
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