8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
