please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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