So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
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I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
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he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend