Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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