It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.