Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
