you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
