I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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