new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
