chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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