tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
