I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
