I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
