Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
