Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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