You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
