I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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