I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
