can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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