The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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