Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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