There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do cheetos always look like penises
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
