Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
