When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
