He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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