My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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