you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
