There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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