My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
