Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
